


When the body's memory awakens

by pulpedeva



Category: The Charioteer - Mary Renault
Genre: First Kiss, First Time, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Wedding Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-30
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-10-19 09:23:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17598593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pulpedeva/pseuds/pulpedeva
Summary: Ralph and Laurie on the wedding night. Ralph's POV, a sort of continuation of A Quiet Space.





	When the body's memory awakens

They were looking at the divan mattress which had been assembled hastily and now lay by the fire. Ralph was at the point of the evening where he badly wanted another drink. The mixed messages, the odd, quickly removed touches, the occasional silences, had messed up his senses and it would take just a little to steady them.

But for once, these thoughts were pushed aside by more pressing concerns. He tried to make himself stand still and wait. It was hard and went against his nature to be passive. He had been talking before, he wouldn’t remember much of it later, but it seemed necessary to distract Laurie who fell into these silences, that although not morose, were awkward and sometimes hard to fathom.

But after a few minutes, there was really nothing left to say and there they stood, silently staring at the divan as if it contained the answer to their predicament. It lay, enticing and faintly accusing, under the reddish light of the fire.

‘Spud?’ Ralph looked at him.

‘Yes?’

“You think too much. Come here.”

For a moment, it seemed as if it would be easy after all. Laurie moved towards him and stood until there was barely any space between them.

The silence filled Ralph’s head. He thought, he had never been bold enough with Laurie. With his other lovers he had always found it easy, to be overt, knowing, perhaps even aggressive, half the time he couldn’t care less about either their perceptions or the outcome. But with Laurie it mattered. He was anxious of false notes, of getting it wrong, and he had developed a reticence that was uncharacteristic. And yet…he could tell that there were traces of an undeniable interest concealed by doubt and reserve.

He said, ‘You mustn’t worry so much. I wish I could make you realise. There’s nothing to worry about.’ But he didn’t move.

‘I know, Ralph.’

And then he felt the unexpected contact of Laurie’s mouth on his. He moved his hand gently to the back of Laurie’s neck and felt the warmth of flesh and the resistance of bone and muscle beneath. He left it there, it seemed right to allow Laurie to be the one to move next. He felt Laurie’s hand in his hair and his thumb against the pulse in his temple, pressing it gently. He let his tongue run over Laurie’s lower lip, but after a moment he stopped because, he told himself, he wanted to be sure. He spoke into Laurie’s ear, “Is this what you want?” still intimate, his old habits not quite dying,

When Laurie answered, he felt a surge, not unexpected, of relief, and pushed his tongue into Laurie’s mouth, pressing him back a little, so that he was against the wall. He could taste the slightly bitter tobacco tang, mixed with his saliva, and feel the shape of Laurie mouth and tongue.

Ralph was quite sure that he would have to take the lead now though, and show Laurie what could be done, a feeling not dispelled by his reaction when he pulled out his shirt and placed a hand on the warm skin of Laurie’s stomach. But the flinching didn’t stop him, for Laurie was moving in a way that left little doubt as to his wishes, but what now?

“Ralph?”

He paused, “Yes?”

“Don’t stop.”

Ralph felt less than gentle now, a pent up feeling of release almost made him forget that he should go carefully. But Ralph had few illusions about himself, or perhaps the illusions about himself were manufactured from a sense of culpability and guilt, either way, he felt responsible.

He drew back and stood looking at Laurie in the half-darkness. “You look rough. I’d bet you didn’t have a wink of sleep last night.”

“Don’t fuss,” Laurie sounded unexpectedly peevish, but it made Ralph smile.

“Come on, we may as well get warm by the fire.”

Ralph, having got Laurie onto the mattress with a minimum of fuss, now lay propped up on one arm looking at him. “Cigarette?” It seemed a way to diffuse the awkwardness, for although they lay side by side, they were still fully clothed.

“Thanks. Light it for me?” Laurie, lying flat on his back, seemed lost in thought. Ralph handed him the lit cigarette, resisting the urge to put it in his mouth.

“Got any blankets, Spud?”

“Oh, yes, in the heap over there.”

Ralph moved to where they were and brought them back, covering them both as Laurie turned to face him properly.

“Well, thanks,” Laurie pulled them up around his chest, “It’s bloody freezing.” He lay still, “It was never that warm in here, if I think back.”

“Your mother’s probably got it worse. I’ll bet Straike never wastes good wood.” Ralph folded his arms and lay still. He could just about feel Laurie’s leg against his, “Come on, Spud, cheer up.” He moved his arm and let his hand fall onto Laurie’s chest.

  
“God, yes, sorry. I’m dreadful company.” He seemed irresolute. To Ralph, the sense that he wasn’t sure whether to move or stay, was almost palpable.

“You’re thinking again aren’t you, Spud?”

“Not about much,” Laurie kept his head turned slightly away and blew the smoke from his cigarette up into the air, seemingly engrossed in the shapes it made.

“Well, here we are…I suppose we’d better get these clothes off, body warmth will do a better job than these rags. It works, I promise.” Ralph began with his own jacket, “I remember once we had to strip one of the ratings and …” He stopped and looked across, “We don’t have to do anything,” he settled back down alongside him, “unless you want to.”

Laurie continued to pull on his cigarette, seemingly not quite answering him he said, “I’ve wondered, really, what it was all about.”

Ralph looked at him, “It’s about more than that,” he said, smiling into the darkness.

“Oh Lord, yes, I do know,” Laurie turned his head towards Ralph.

“Show you?” Ralph took a drag of his cigarette, threw it into the fire and raised himself over Laurie. His fair hair fell over his face, so that he was partly obscured, it might be a relief for Laurie, he thought, to have to see less. Thank God for the dark and the blackout, which shut them into the space as hermetically as if they were submerged in a submarine.

Ralph moved so that he straddled him but stayed still and untouching, he might have been inspecting a dubious piece of equipment or looking for signs of life in a corpse. And looking at Laurie from this angle, his pale, redhead’s complexion accentuated by the very faint glow of firelight, his hair falling back from his brow a dark reddish brown, he seemed as young as he’d looked at school, or on the deck of Ralph’s ship as the life bleed from him. He thought of the knee and touched it gently through the rough material of Laurie’s battle dress. Laurie didn’t flinch this time and Ralph continued to stroke it.

The cigarette was still in Laurie’s hand. “You may want to finish it?” Ralph kept his voice light, “unless you’re feeling more casual about this than you let on?” He shoved up his shirt and bent forward to kiss his stomach. Arching backwards Laurie’s cigarette followed Ralph’s into the fire.

Laurie’s skin was very white and Ralph could feel the outline of his ribs and the hollow pit of his stomach. He remembered, very briefly, Laurie swimming lengths at the school baths and rising from the water, a muscular, compact adolescent, neither slim nor sturdy, but an almost perfect athlete. Now, he seemed wasted and frail, although it was silly to think those things, they distracted Ralph and allowed glum nostalgia to creep in when he wanted none of it.

He lay his head on his stomach for a moment and felt Laurie’s hand in his hair again. He pulled the hand and kissed it, but he knew it would be impossible to stop at this.

He took off his own clothes, for once less bothered by their neat arrangement, and pulled the blankets up. They were rough against his skin, but he gave it little thought. He had become single minded and felt, for once, that whatever happened afterwards, it wouldn’t matter because this was what he had been waiting for. He bent over Laurie again, who seemed to be in a kind of stupor, his previous eagerness buried, and kissed him quite forcefully on the mouth.

The unexpected contact seemed to take Laurie out of himself. His reticence abated, he placed his hand on the back of Ralph’s neck and kept him there.

“What do you want?” Ralph breathed into his neck, “I can show you what you might like.” He began to unbutton the battle dress, but Laurie, now less passive, stopped him, pushing him back gently. With a quick movement, he hauled off his trousers and jacket, lifting the shirt up and pulling it over his head, and threw everything to the side. And finally, looking faintly pleased with himself, lay back against the firmly sprung mattress of the divan.

Ralph moved over him, his full weight pressing into Laurie and in the dark, removed his glove, neither of them would have to look at the hand and it was almost impossible to make anything out anyway.

“So,” Laurie spoke into the darkness, “what do they do?” he pulled Ralph’s head down in a way that seemed surprisingly possessive.

“They do this.” Ralph pushed Laurie’s legs apart and lay against him. It was strange how their bodies held the heat between them, “I’ll show you.” The room narrowed down, nothing existed but the cold air, the faint fire-warmth, the shadowed areas of an empty desolate space, and in the centre of it all, just the two of them.

He wanted to savour the moment, so long imagined, for this was Laurie, who was here, with him. But one could think poetic thoughts, or one could get on with it. Ralph knew himself to be a pragmatist and crushed all inclinations to a romantic soul. But although it was simply the connection of bare skin and another’s flesh, it was Laurie and he felt every point of contact keenly. He brought his hands down lower and in the dark, sensations seemed magnified.

“You know, I’ve wanted to do this for a while,” he said, his hands already on Laurie’s hips, “you needn’t do anything, you know, let me.” Ralph moved against him, careful not to hurt the knee, but Laurie seemed lost in his own thoughts, eyes closed, body pressed towards Ralph and the knee forgotten.

Ralph felt the muscles in Laurie’s arms, the hard ball of the shoulders, the sinew in the lines of his back. Careless of his own physical looks, although he had his vanities and used them when necessary, he was intrigued by Laurie’s. The way the hair grew from the hairline, the shape of his brows, the way the lids closed, the red flecked hazel that occasionally caught and glowed in the weak firelight when he opened his eyes, the base of his throat, and the dip of his clavicle.

Despite their proximity and the conditions unquestionably encouraging of intimacy, they moved together slowly and clumsily at first. But the darkness imposed relief and an almost liberating anonymity on them, it was easy, after all, to overcome awkwardness when they could barely see each other. Laurie, so apparently conflicted and reticent, appeared to come alive, allowing himself to be touched in the way Ralph wanted and even offering to Ralph what he had rarely imagined he would achieve.

Afterwards, Laurie lay flat on his stomach with his head on his hands. The air around them was icy, the fire long since dying in its embers, and they experienced the peculiarly sweaty chill of naked skin in a cold room.

For a while they said nothing, but Ralph wouldn’t let Laurie wander into his own thoughts too much, perhaps it was fear or a sixth sense, or simple pleasantness. He lay on his back, his torso partly uncovered, arms behind his head. “How long have you known?” he felt that he couldn’t resist asking, although he promised himself that he wouldn’t ask more.

When Laurie answered, “Well, months, years, I suppose,” Ralph nodded, “It must have been hell, though,” He knew what he meant whether Laurie did or not.

Later, when the fire dwindled to a red glow, Laurie rose and threw some more cones onto it and moved to the window. Ralph half asleep, felt the movement and turned slightly onto his side.

When a few minutes later, he felt Laurie return and lie next to him and a hand gently touching his hair again, he opened his eyes and smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from:
> 
> CP Cavafy 
> 
> Come Back
> 
> Come back often and take hold of me,  
> sensation that I love come back and take hold of me—  
> when the body’s memory awakens  
> and an old longing again moves into the blood,  
> when lips and skin remember  
> and hands feel as though they touch again.
> 
> Come back often, take hold of me in the night  
> when lips and skin remember...


End file.
